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Your Beauty Mark: The Ultimate Guide to Eccentric Glamour by Dita Von Teese – digested read

Hello, my darlings. You’ve heard it all before. Downplay the eye makeup if lips are bold and red. Or play up the eyes and keep the lips nude. Nude? I say: “Never!” Your lips should be blood-red, and your hair should flick at will. Comment ça. Here is a picture of me and my pussy. Oooh, you naughty people! Sometimes a cat is just a cat.

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I am a sucker for beauty. It’s what gets me up each sunrise. A life beautiful is the ultimate joie de vivre. I have nothing to hide. That’s why I spend so much of my life undressed. You can’t buy my kind of glamour. However, you have just tried to. Here is a picture of me that will leave you wondering whether I’ve gone the whole of Hollywood or if the photo has been airbrushed.

People often ask me what brands I use. A silly question because my perfect skin is not your skin. Thank God. But I absolutely adore Eminence organic Linden Calendula and Trilogy’s Rosehip. You probably haven’t heard of them. Tant pis. Here is a picture of me lying across three very sexy men. Look carefully, and you can see my breasts. Ooh la. Here is another photograph of my naked bum. Check out the exfoliation.

I am not going to lie. I have to work hard to look so perfect. For you, though, the effort will hardly be worth it. But if you are going to eat and drink, I insist you stick to water, pure vodka, and crudites with homemade dairy-free tahini. Here is a picture of me hovering over a cake wearing nothing but my red, lacy see-through knickers. That’s cream on my bum, by the way, you naughty, naughty people! My God, but I look so fabulous. I could almost eat myself. Or perhaps you would like to do it for me. And while you’re down there … Enough! I am late for my Pilates lesson.

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Beautify your bosom. Exactement. So many women forget to treat their bosoms properly, but your bosoms deserve the finest unguents. Perhaps you are shy about handling yourself? Don’t be. Here are several pages of me holding my breasts. They are magnificent, non? Just look at that little black rose covering my nipples. Go on. You know you want to. I want you too, as well. Now rub your bosoms with face cream. Classy.

I know that many of you think I lie in a bath of softest, foaming soya milk having my back rubbed by musclebound men while I play with myself under the bubbles. But no. That’s just what I am doing in this series of photographs. In real life, some men who rub my back are not musclebound. Whoops, my hand almost slipped! Now it is time to get out of the bath. No looking! I am now in one of my Swarovski crystal G-strings that I wear to do everyday chores around the home. They are too divine – and so convenient for tweezering any stray hair that may be peeping out near my sex.

Smell. Feeling erotic involves all the senses, and so many women forget the power of smell. For me, nothing can compare to the nouveau chypre of fizzy bergamot and spicy Bourbon pepper. Pour 500ml into a Lalique glass and tip all over your bosoms. Mmmm. Here is a photo of me in a lilac lacy bra that I am doing my best to fall out of.

Now to the foundation cream. This should be applied all over. And I mean all over. Leave no crevice or mound untreated, or else you will be letting yourself down badly. Here are a series of photographs of me wearing absolutely nothing while smearing my crevices and mounds with cream. My God, but I look adorable. So belle that now all I have to do is apply far too much red lipstick and create the most divine arch to my eyebrows. Mais non! I have just noticed that I have yet again failed to get dressed. And now I am just wearing my stockings and suspenders. Sometimes I amaze even myself.

Finally, I must do my hair. Well, when I say “I,” what I really mean is that I must get in a team of stylists to teese – see what I did there, mes petits choux-fleurs – my tresses into gorgeous asymmetric shapes. Naturally, I like to keep busy while my curls are being formed, so I use the time to try on different lingerie items. Here I am in a powder blue push-up bra. Here I am in a black leather basque. And here I am with my bra having just fallen off. Let the good times roll. All over me.

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